The last 2 times I’ve gone to yoga, I’ve cried.
I think that means I’m doing it right.
I’ve always loved yoga, but for most of my life, my experiences with it were enjoying it as exercise. A physical exertion that released endorphins and made me feel fit and strong. I wanted a yoga bod.
But lately, the physical exertion is only the gateway. It’s the thing I do to quiet the voices and the lists and the fears and the distractions, so that I can get to know myself. So I can listen for the universe’s little hints and clues. And become aware of where I’m going and where I need to be and how to get there. Because right now I’m feeling stuck in transition.
I imagine everyone knows what it feels like to be in-between. When the one thing has ended, but the new thing hasn’t started yet. Where you’ve made the decision, but you’re not entirely sure yet what that means. You make the leap, and then you’re waiting for the fall to end so you can see where you’ve landed. And life is like this for me right now.
But what it really feels like is labor and delivery ‘transition’ (sorry dudes, you will never ever understand this). Like there is a process at work which is bigger and more powerful than anything I could ever conjure up. And it is happening, whether I want it to or not. There is no choice but acceptance, and gratitude. The only way through is through.
I can only open myself up, breath and groan and swear through the pain, and keep working, and hang on to that hope that there is something miraculous and beautiful at the end of it all that will make it more than worth it.
Because when it’s happening, what I want to do is cry and hide and make it all stop. The voices in my head say, ‘you can’t do this, you are not enough, you are not worthy of the miraculous and beautiful ending’.
And so I yoga. Hard. I run through the green forest and breathe deeply and push my body until it aches. And then I am still. And silent.
It is then that I can hear the universe, my midwife, calmly whispering, ‘you know how to do this, you have done this already, you have everything you need and your beautiful miracle is coming.’