The last few weeks have been a maelstrom of emotions. I’m bad at emotions.
My dear darling husband sat down on the couch with me late one recent Saturday and said, “I don’t think I want to be married anymore.” Ouch. I mean, I knew that things weren’t great, but they weren’t as hard as they have been. After a year and a half of post baby depression and a child who never slept, I was finally starting to feel like a real person again. But apparently, in my absence, there’s been a lot of damage done.
Since then we’ve talked and talked and talked, and someday I hope to write more on that and all the things I’m learning about the emotions, but for now I’m fast forwarding to today, because there are new happenings that I can’t deal with and I’m not sure what to do. Sometimes writing about it helps me figure it out.
J’s birthday is coming up next Monday, so in the spirit of ‘we’re working on it,’ I set up a Grammy’s house sleepover for the kids so he and I could hang and talk and celebrate. He has just informed me that instead, for his birthday, he wants to go dancing. With friends. I’m not invited.
The way he tells it, this is a good thing. This is something that will allow him to recharge his emotional batteries and be better able to continue talking and working and emoting with me. The story I’m telling myself is that I’m not good enough, I’m no fun, our relationship is too broken and painful and he’s leaving and the only reason he’s still talking with me is because of the kids and because he feels guilty.
So now I’m trying to figure out what’s really happening, and what I’m supposed to do about it. In the mean time I’m feeling hurt and left out and rejected. And I’m also scared. Scared he’s going to leave for good. Scared he’s going to stay and keep wanting to do things that hurt. Scared I’m going to run away before we’ve done everything we need to and miss something important. Scared I’m one of those women who stays because it’s what she’s used to, and because she’s scared.
What I’m doing now is what they like to call in ‘the program’, the next indicated thing. I’m doing the things that have to get done like dishes and laundry and feeding my kids. I’m writing and reading from life affirming books. I’m making plans to bring the kids to Grammy’s anyways, and then go have coffee and dinner dates with girlfriends. I’m planning a garden and I’m going to go for a hike. I’m going to keep showing up to my life, trying to be present and aware of my feelings, and doing the hard things.
I don’t know what the answer is, or even how to go about finding it, but I know I’m sad.